On the "Up" bit of the rollercoaster

Today was a day of relief (in some ways) and celebration.
For Mum, we saw the surgeon and (at last) had confirmation that her cancers were metastatic but they are operable. Cannot quite explain the relief that hope brings. She will need a number of operations, the first in a couple of weeks. Poor Mum is in for a tough time. But the fact that they are offering them means that they think the prognosis is good. The surgeon was wonderful with both her and me. We even managed to have a laugh and he put us both at ease. It appears that the reason she has had such a bad time with cancer is genetic, since she leads such a healthy life and has been so unlucky. So he pointed out that I needed to be very careful too. Time to clean up my act I feel :o) So...."My body is a temple (and not a cesspit)" is my new mantra :o)

Then, down to the vets to pick up Yogi Bear. All was well this morning, Rich took him in at 11 as agreed. Then Allyson called at 12.30 saying that John wanted to see us at 3 i.e. we couldn't have him back until then. When I got back from the hospital and heard that, my immediate thoughts were that something was wrong. But no, John is DELIGHTED with him. I don't think that he can quite believe how well he is doing in tolerating the chemo. He seemed quite thrilled. And I don't imagine that John does "thrilled" that often:o) His blood count is up from last week. HandH, thank you so very much for the tips about cottage cheese and flax oil. It is working.
John tells me that Yogi will need chemo each week for 2 months then every other week and so on, gradually reducing. If he continues the way he is doing............ I was going to tempt fate and say what John thinks his lifespan COULD be. But I won't. He is doing brilliantly and the chemo is working for him and not knocking him out in any way. That is good enough for me.
Now, he is very contented, fed and sporting a natty little blue bandage on his leg.
Time for a walk...........

My week

I have sort of hummed and hah'd whether to dump this in here. But have decided that although it is ultimately Yogi's journey, it's mine too and since all this has happened, I have found "blogging" strangely cathartic.
Around the time that Yogi was diagnosed with cancer, my mum was too. I felt that I had been dealt a double blow and that my life was falling apart. I think it's the shock of the "C" word. It always seems so inevitable that this will be the end. Mum has had cancer before. 6 years ago she had lung cancer and made a complete recovery. No chemo, "just" an operation to remove it. At the beginning of this year she had bowel cancer. Once again, no chemo it was caught early and removed by an operation. Again I thought she was cured and aside from a fairly long recovery period, she has done brilliantly. At 72 she is living independently and very fit as well, walking her dog 3 times a day and helping me to look after mine. So when she called me and said that she had cancer again in the lung and in the adrenal glands, those horrendous feelings of hopelessness seemed to overwhelm me. She told me that they were "independent cancers" i.e. not metastatic and that they were operable. So once again we played the waiting game for biopsies and consultations. I felt quite positive as I don't believe that she would have said anything if she believed it was terminal. She has always said that she wouldn't say until she had to. Anyway, this week she had an appointment at the hospital for the results of a lung biopsy. She wouldn't let me go with her (said there was no need) but my brother insisted on going with her. That's when the doctor mentioned that she also has breast cancer too. I fell to pieces when I found out. She is still saying that everything will be dealt with by operations. I am not so sure. I am terrified but can't show it. She I think is terrified but can't show it. As is my brother. I feel as if I don't know "how to be" much of the time. On Monday Rich is taking Yogi for his chemo and I am taking my mum to see a consultant for the adrenal gland cancer. I need to spend this weekend sorting out a list of questions and trying to stay strong when in reality I am very scared.

Yogi's week

This week has been a good one for Yogi, apart from last Monday when I thought that the session at the vets distressed him. He has been feeling pretty much on top of the world I think. His sleeping pattern has improved so much that he probably only gets up once in the night to go to the toilet and last night he didn't wake at all. When he does wake up though, he generally needs a snack to see him through to the morning (or so he says :o). His appetite is still as voracious as ever and he seems to need constant refueling at every possible opportunity. He has ways and means of making himself clear too. While watching television the other night, Yogi was sat at my feet. I noticed he was watching me intently, I was gazing somewhere over the top of his head doing my utmost not to make eye contact I had just sat down, he had been walked, fed and fussed so thought that just for a short while I could have a "moment". Not allowed in Yogi's book. His eyes bored into me, when he realized that they weren't making any difference, he tried scooting round a bit to the left, still on his bottom, neck elongated (for maximum effect) trying to find a space in my eyeline. A couple more shifts to the right and then backwards followed by a tiny whine and I was lost :o) Laughing at his antics he got his way and won (again) I went off to the kitchen, got him his snack. THEN he was a contented dog.

His wound is also healing well, there are a couple of raised bits, but it's not open anymore.

Also, Allyson spoke to John and he has agreed that Yogi can reduce his time spent at vets, providing he responds well to the chemo. So he will go in at 11, have his chemo and any other tests he needs, then come home around 1. THAT is fantastic.

I'm not sure where this came from, but since he has lived with us he has had a lovely habit of sucking things, almost like sucking a dummy. He will suck, his eyes go dreamy and he seems to go into a sort of trance. It's gorgeous to watch. For a while when he was first ill, he wasn't interested. Now he is back to suckling which is brilliant. It seems to calm him. Here he is with his favourite toy...

Loss

I have just been reading grahams post about loss and moving on. I really know how he feels but have no idea what to say to add any comfort. The only thing I can say is it takes time to accept, not "get over" but just accept what has happened, but I'm sure he knows that already. Losing a loved one (pet or person) leaves such a massive hole and memories that inevitably come thick and fast seem impossible to deal with. I find Christmas especially hard and I am afraid I am a bit of a "bah humbug" at this time of year. If I could go to sleep about now and wake on 2nd January that would do me fine. Yes, I know I am a miserable git :o). I think that the problem is everyone "expects" everyone to be ecstatically happy, more so than the rest of the year (obviously). It puts a sort of pressure that automatically makes me think of times past when that animal/friend/relative was still with me.
Graham, ignore me, Tilly will see you through and you KNOW that Prince will still be with you both.

We are knackered...........

Relieved.....

Tonight, I saw Allyson, one of the vet nurses while riding and had a chat with her about my concerns for Yogi while he was in having his chemo. She assured me that he would have been taken out regularly but said she would make sure he was taken out more often next time he was in. We also discussed the option of taking him in later and picking him up earlier so that he is in for shorter length of time. She is going to have a word with John tomorrow to make sure that this is OK, but she thinks it will be fine. I am SO relieved. She is also going to take some pictures while he is having his treatment to put our minds at rest. What a star!
I have also started adding cottage cheese to their food (both Larry and Yogi think that was a terrific suggestion) and some "sprouted" flax seeds (not such a great suggestion :o)). Thank you HandH. The oil will follow as soon as I can get to the shops.
Yogi is still "bubbly" and happy and that makes me happy too :o)
Loads of good wishes and support are going to Herbie right now who is having a tough time at the moment.

3rd Chemo

Today Yogi went in for chemo number 3. Masses of trepidation again. How will he react? Is he doing well? Is it just my imagination that he seems brighter? Running the rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis is just so tough. Yes, he looks great, but is he feeling more tired than usual? Why did he spit out that piece of cheese (he ate it again when Larry was about) ? Are his glands really getting smaller, or is it my imagination -again?.....Speaking to John (vet) this evening, he was very positive. He thought that Yogi was doing brilliantly. He is slightly anaemic which may be due to the cancer or the chemo. Not sure which yet, but further blood tests will monitor the situation. He had his stitches out but there are a couple of "holes" open that need to be kept very clean. That is due to the pred and rest of chemo drugs, with everything else that are doing, they are also stopping a complete healing process. Need to keep an eye on them to make sure they are clean. Leaving him at the vets was also horrible. Up until today he trotted off happily with the nurses, not today though, he was struggling to get back to me as they took him off. I felt such a heel. One thing that REALLY is worrying me is that he is not getting out often enough for a wee while he is at the vets. When he was collected, I am sure he wee'd for about 30 seconds, it was gushing out of him. They also said that he barked continously. He is a barker, but not fanatical about it. I think that he was uncomfortable. I will have a word next week and make sure that he is taken out more regularly - if that is the problem. Or it maybe that he was just chatting. I hope so. The last thing I want to do is make his life more uncomfortable than it needs to be. I know that in reality, it maybe months rather than longer and I want that time to be happy for him. This evening though, he is as bright as a button, wanting to eat everything in sight and just being the happy, boisterous Yogi he has always been. Long may it last.